finding beauty in the dissonance.

well, officially it was yesterday, but i haven't slept yet so i still consider it today.  does that make sense?  am i the only one that thinks this way?  ha.  anyway, 173 years ago, texas signed its own declaration of independence.  i'm such a texas history nerd.  i wish all states were as proud of their state as texans are.  we're a strange bunch, for sure.

not much went on today.  i studied for my coding test i have this week (i have one in insurance this week, too) for most of the day.  i'm dreading it.  i made a 76 on my first test, which is practically unheard of for me.  i have to do better on this next one!

i'm not feeling better.  ugh.  i'm supposed to call the doctor tomorrow if i'm still not feeling better.  blah.  i don't want to go back.  i hate going to the doctor.  he's just going to diagnose me in two seconds again, and piss me off.  is there such a thing as a good doctor?  i don't know if i've ever had one.

the only exciting thing that really happened is my friend thomas found me on facebook.  he's my cousin drew's (the one that just had the baby) best friend.  i met thomas for the first time when i was 14, when he came to lake jackson with drew and my sister.  they were helping us move to austin (they were all living there at the time), and thomas decided he'd come to help too.  this guy doesn't laugh, he giggles.  it totally cracks me up.  he has the same sense of humor as my family, and we all love hanging out with him -- even my mom, and she's miss antisocial.  anyway, he was always at our house.  he's nine years older than i am, so he was 24 at this time -- not exactly normal for a guy that age to be interested in spending lots of time with a family.  he even lived with us for a while, camping out in our living room (he was in between moving from austin to dallas).  even though he was so much older, he never treated me like a kid.  he treated me as an equal.  it was nice of him.  he's a really nice guy.  he became the big brother i never had in the 5+ years we were close to him.  the only reason we quit seeing him is because he married a control freak (imo) that was jealous that he liked to spend time with us.  apparently, that relationship is in transition or something...

but he's coming to visit!  i've missed him so much.  i'm going to take pictures when he does come to visit, because i only had one of him from all those years.  i can't believe he's 34 (i can't believe i'm 25, either).  that blows my mind.  i also can't imagine him with short hair...the control freak made him cut it off for the wedding that i didn't attend.  i know it's mean of me, but i knew it wouldn't last, and i couldn't stand her.  he had the most beautiful dark brown shoulder-length hair he always wore in a ponytail.  i'm talking, like, romance novel cover hair.  prettier than any girl's hair i've ever seen.  why is that always the way?  guys almost always have pretty hair and long eyelashes.  i don't get it.

tomorrow, i plan on spending most of my day in the ceramics room, working on the shinpo (that's a type of pottery wheel).  i'm determined to figure it out.  i've only ever kept one thing i made on the wheel, and i've made probably a hundred pieces.  jake -- my teacher -- is even getting frustrated with me.  it's pretty funny.  it's the only art form i've ever had problems "getting" and it's honestly kind of weird for me.

waiting for jacque to call me back when he gets done skating.  he's always skateboarded, but he started longboarding a year or so ago.  you should see his scars....they're insane.  longboards are made for speed and hills, so both his knees look awful.  crashing at 40mph cannot be a fun thing -- but he loves it.  i like watching....i just wanna cry when anyone gets hurt.  haha.  i used to skate myself, from like 7th--10th grade...but i realized i'm way too clumsy for that kind of sport.

in case no one's noticed (haha yeah right), i'm super talkative with no one to talk to...pain medication will do that : )

tax returns are nice.  don't get me wrong, i think having to pay in taxes just to get them back is the dumbest typical american government thing ever.  BUT, when you only work for two months of the year and get over $330 back, that kicks ass.  especially when you umm, kind of forgot that you worked at all in 2008, it kicks even more ass.  i didn't think i was going to get anything back.  i'm so forgetful. 

i won't see it for a month or so, but i'm excited to have money coming my way.  hopefully i'll have a job by the time i receive it.  that would make it even better! 

eta:  i just ate dinner, so i'm going to let it settle for a couple of hours...and then i'm going to try and do a whole work out tonight.  screw what the doctor said.  i can't stand laying around & gaining more weight that i don't need.  i'm not exactly setting a weight goal.  it's more of a clothing-size goal.  actually, there are a few size goals -- baby steps, eh?

it's so embarassing to weigh what i do.  i don't think i could even form the words with my own mouth.  it's not exactly a secret, because anyone can tell within 5 lbs. i'm sure, but admitting it would be awful.  i'd be happy just wearing a size six again....but i'm not going to let my weight rule my happiness anymore.  all i can do is work toward eating and living better; that's the only way i'm ever going to rule my weight, instead of the other way around.

i'm starting to really feel a little better, but i'm still so tired.  and achey.  it's the weirdest thing.  tomorrow will by my 4th of this expensive-ass antibiotic. 

i've been in a good mood since late last night.  could be the fact that i'm listening to bob marley -- he always put me in a good mood.  could also be other things, too.  i'm in way too good a mood to have pms.  then again, i am doing the mood swing thing.  hmm.  i miss jacque.  we're still talking all the time, but it makes me happy.... so i really don't care if anyone has anything bad to say about it.  the only time it makes me sad is when he says he wishes he could see me every day, because i know exactly what he means.  it's just nice to be loved for exactly who you are, without anyone wanting to you to be anything different.  (like the last guy i dated....all he wanted to do was change everything about me.  and judged the crap out of me.  i should've known he was a nutcase when he told me he loved me pretty early on.  i wish i could block him from my memory, completely).  jacque knows i'd much rather sit at home and be crafty than go out and get wasted -- at least on a regular basis, anyway -- and he's all ready offered to make space for my craft stuff at his apt.  for him, that's a huge deal.  to him, it's not scrapbooking....he calls it "crapbooking."  he likes his space just as much as i like mine, so for him to make room for all my baggage (literal & figurative, ha) is a really sweet thing.  i think if i did move to austin, things would work out.  i really think we would be together for the rest of our lives.  a long distance relationship is just hard on the couple.  so....i'm really considering making us not long distance.  i don't know.  i haven't decided yet, but i know what i *want* to do.

i have sooo much homework to do.  i'm so glad spring break is next week -- i can focus on getting homework done ahead of time (for once), hanging out with friends (yay for a girls' trip to dallas!), and helping mom with house stuff because of dad's surgery.  i just feel sooo behind all the time.  i'm struggling to keep my head above water.  i was doing fine, before, because i'm the complete opposite of a procrastinator.  but when i started feeling really bad, i did put stuff off.  i did just enough to get by at that moment.  now i'm having to play catch up.  geez.  i want to kick myself for that!

i'm looking forward to spring break, though.  my friend kelsey is getting married!  it's exciting, but depressing for me at the same time.  ha.  it seems like everyone is married now... and i'm the lone freak.  of course, i always said growing up, that i didn't want to get married til i was 30.  i think i've cursed myself.  ^_^  i don't mind waiting to get married, if it means i'll end up with the right person.  i just have this fear of ending up alone. i think pretty much everyone does.

it got really cold here last night.  stephen came over about 10pm, and it was getting cooler but when we walked him out (very late) last night, it was under 30*.  it was insane how much the temperature dropped.  that's probably why i'm having a hard time getting better -- the weather is all kinds of screwed up.

QotD: Free $100

http://questions.vox.com/library/post...

If you found a hundred dollar bill today, what would you do with it?

honestly?  i'm pretty broke these days.  i'd save it to go back to austin the weekend of march 20th-22nd.  pendulum is playing at la zona rosa!  i love pendulum, and i like that venue a lot....so many good memories there.  it's where i got to see three fish for the first time, as well as chris cornell.  i touched chris cornell's stomach, or rather, poked it.  he was crowd surfing above me and i was too short to help, so i jumped up to touch him.  what can i say?  i was 15.  ^_^

Today is Peanut Butter Lover's Day. Show us something that is good with peanut butter.

apple.

my doctor put me on another antibiotic, because i finished my course of the first & i can't tell a difference.  normally after 3 days of antibiotics, i feel so much better.  but...i'm still running a low-grade fever (99.8*), and still ache and feel like i can't get a deep breath in.  the doctor told me to quit trying to work out right now.  he said the best thing i can do is to rest, and only rest.  blah.  there goes all my effort.  i'm going to start cutting down on my meals so maybe i won't gain back what i've lost, even though it's only a couple of pounds.  i managed to do a small low-impact workout of some kind every day, but i get really winded/tired fast.  that's not normal for me, even as out of shape as i am.  my heart has been pounding, too.  my resting pulse has been 115, about 15 above the high-end of normal.  should be 60-100 bpm.  apparently that is common with infection, but it still feels really weird when it goes that fast. 

if i'm not feeling any better by tuesday, i'm supposed to call & the doctor will get me in, and then he'd run some blood work.  hopefully all will be better by monday, which will be my fourth day of this course of antibiotics.  they better work -- it was $220 for 14 pills!  ridiculous.

i'm really unhappy right now.  my weight is getting to me, omg.  i'm such a fatass.  i'm reminded of this every time i look in the mirror, change clothes, etc.  it's driving me crazy, and now i can't do one fucking thing about it.  UGH.  maybe i'll cut out meal times completely, and break my day into 5 small snacks, so i keep my blood glucose in the normal range without over-doing my food intake. 

i swear... i'm going to the pantry and getting rid of all the crap i shouldn't eat.  i'm off to make a list of acceptable foods. 

If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

i would give anything to teach art -- either to small children, middle school or at the college-level.  no high school age kids, thanks.  but i'd love to have the opportunity to be an art teacher!  i'd even like to teach private lessons, seeing as i wouldn't be as anxious with only a couple of people. 

i'd lovelovelove to be a stampin' up demonstrator and teach other people how to make scrapbooks & greeting cards.  i know, that's not much of a career aspiration, but that's what i would enjoy.  too bad what i enjoy won't pay the bills.

Share your favorite winter photograph.

winter in the country.

this is what i would love to see out of my own window in the winter.  seeing the snow in the mountain tops of hualapai mountains (in arizona) was amazing, but i love trees, too.  so it'd be nice to have both, at least one or twice a year....instead of every five years.  besides, the "snow" we have in texas is crap.  it never sticks and is immediately that nasty slush.  bleh.  i want thick, brilliant white powder.

You have four unexpected guests showing up for dinner in less than an hour, you haven't been to the store in days, and you want to impress them with a delicious meal. What do you serve them?

i'd probably go with frozen chicken breasts with lemon pepper, garlic sea salt & olive oil.  then i'd most likely fix some kind of side out of a box, like mashed potatoes or cheddar broccoli pasta.  and, since we almost always keep fresh asparagus around, i'd saute that, too.  that's about the best of my cooking ability.

i'm waiting on my idiot doctor to call me back.  the antibiotic he prescribed has done nothing.  i feel just as bad, if not worse, than i did before i was even taking anything.  i'm still running a little over one degree of fever.  i'm incredibly frustrated right now.  i'm sick of feeling so tired and lazy.  i get winded just walking to class, which is so not anywhere near normal.  even holding my arms out, in ceramics, makes me feel exhausted....and i ache.  bleh. 

i wish i knew what was really wrong with me.  i'm tired of this shit.

my resting pulse is 120, and has been for the past five or six days.  it's only supposed to be 60-100.  i'm bordering on tachycardia.  it's the weirdest feeling to have my heart feel like it's going to pound out of my chest. 

jacque & i have been talking on the phone multiple times a day since i came home, but i can tell he's not happy with just that.  it's so hard to not be able to see him every day.  it just feels right when i can, but awful when i can't.  this is why we broke up in the first place.  he even said he doesn't want to do the long distance thing again -- basically he's not going to be with me unless we can live in the same town.  but why would i move there if i'm not even with him?  it's a big catch-22. 

today is one of those days where i just feel like crawling into a hole.  i don't want to go to my 6pm ceramics class.  i don't even want to get out of bed for more than five minutes at a time.  i just want to read my book and sulk. 

Stolen Innocence: My Story of Growing Up in a Polygamous Sect, Becoming a Teenage Bride, and Breakin

Elissa Wall

i'm not happy being here in tyler, and him four hours away.  the thought of leaving my family to move to austin is scary, but i don't know what else to do.  i love him and miss him so much.  the old jenna would've told him to fuck off, that i wouldn't change anything, and he could choose to be with me or not.  but...i know where he's coming from.  i can't really blame him, as angry as i'd like to be....i'm not.  i just want things to be right with us.  permanently.

in other news, i woke up to my cat puking on my quilt that my mom made for me.  it was so disgusting.  in my half-awake state, i tried to push him to the hardwood floor....it's just so much easier to clean....but he dug those back claws in and wouldn't budge.  so then after he puked all down the side of the quilt, he jumps down on his own.  of course.  then instead of staying where he is, as he starts wretching again, he goes a few feet forward, and hacks all over my yoga mat.  so not only did i have to put stain remover on my quilt and then wash & dry it, i had to scrub my yoga mat for 15 minutes because of all the little grooves.  i was NOT a happy camper at 7:00 this morning.